Diriku-DIA-Mereka

6^th februari 2015 (friday)

Lepas siap mengajar budak2, aku balik rumah untuk berehat.  aku plan utk pergi rumah nek tih lewat sikit dari kebiasaan sebab jumaat tu aku memang sudah loss energy and fatigue since i didn’t get enough rest and very miserable for two weeks before. I slept peacefully till asr.

Sharp at 5pm, i race my motorcycle to the nek tih’s house. Bila aku sampai, aku tengok nek tih mengerang sakit. Nek tih suruh call mama, suruh datang minta ubat. Makcik2 yang lain ada di sekeliling nek tih. Then, i called my mama. Unfortunately, she can’t make it bcoz she got the fever and can’t move.  So i tell nek tih that mama cant see her. 

Sekali lagi, nek tih mengerang sakit. Makcik2 bacakan surah al fatihah di air minum, tapi semua xberkesan. Nek tih cakap, “ aku mau pulang..jam berapa sudah..” but i didn’t realize it yet. I said, kita pulang pegi mana nek..?. Pastu nek tih geleng2 kepala, tertidur.

Lepas azan maghrib, nek tih terbangun lagi mengerang sakit. I decided to take her to the hospital. I called my uncle and bring nek tih to the hospital. Sampai di Hosp.Queen Elizabeth II, bahagian kecemasan. Jumpa Doktor Cina, dia tanya pasal nek tih, so i explained him what i know about the cancer. Lastly, the doct want to meet with my uncle. I wait outside with my bag and let them talk.

Few minutes later, my uncle asked me to go inside the emergency room. I see nek tih laying in the bed dengan muka pucat, xbermaya. I am wondering, apa yang doktor tu buat dengan nek tih. Aku tahan hati, aku bediri di tepi katil nek tih. It is almost 10.00pm. Nek tih muntah. I saw theres a blood from her mouth. I got panic and asked the nurse. The nurse said that is nothing! But I believe that it is the blood. The nurses want to calm me and answer like that. I take some tissue and wipe the blood. I almost crying but i am very strong person that will not easily cry in front of others.

Then, the doctor comes, he said that we will be transferred to the Palliative Ward, Hospital Queen Elizabeth I and asked me to go with the ambulance. I sit beside nek tih with her bloody mouth. I wipe the blood along the way to the Palliative Ward. I asked myself, what happened to nek tih? She is holding my hand tightly. I hold her hand and warmed her. She didn’t talk anything, just sleep with her eyes closed and her hand hold my hand.

 7 februari 2015 (Saturday)

12.30 am, we arrived at palliative ward. I wait for my uncle to take care of nek tih that night as my gastric becomes worse. I didn’t eat anything since the afternoon and that’s why my gastric is attacking me that night. I sit beside the bed, while nek tih sleeping. I am texting my siblings to asked them come and look nek tih. But my mama refused. She said that she’s still in fever. I don’t know why, i cried so much. I look at the white wall and crying silently. I am disappointed but i know that my mama really can’t make it.

Nek tih condition becomes worse. She is bleeding from her mouth. I wipe it and just ignore what i am thinking. Nek tih keep asking me to adjust her pillow, turn it down, turn it up and called my names. When Baba comes, he discussed with my uncle to take nek tih home. So, I agree and the nurse asked my uncle to sign the agreement.

She put the morphine 10mg into nek tih’s body to prevent nek tih groaning and let her rest. I shud say no, but i can’t. My uncle had sign the agreement and then nek tih get the morphine inside her body. I cried silently while looking at her laying down in the bed, she can’t even say my name and that makes me feel very sad.

We bring nek tih home and i keep ask her to zikr together with me. I sing the zikr song sebab aku tau nek tih sedang nazak. Aku bisik di teling nek tih,

“Subhanallah, Walhamdulillah, Wala Ila Ha Ilallah, Allahuakbar”

Sepanjang jalan balik rumah, i keep singing the zikr but nek tih cant speak and my tears just flowing smoothly. With her head in my arms, i hug her and kissed her as i don’t know when i can hug and kissed her just like before. My heart totally broke but i keep myself strong. I can’t bear any lost anymore. I cant.

At home, we put her in her bed, and i keep accompany her even my gastric is coming. I hold her hand, lay beside her and i fall asleep at 2.30am.

At the dawn, i heard the athan from the mosque then i woke up. I heard my uncle said, “mak..mak..” with his very loud voice. I look at her hand; i hold and massage her right hands. It’s cold and freeze. Tangan nek tih keras. Aku urut juga dengan harapan nek tih terbangun. Sebab aku masih rasa waktu tu mungkin tangan nek tih cramp. Aku urut dengan kuat. Then, my uncle cek nek tih punya nadi, cek nafas. The words that I heard is, “ Nenek sudah tiada ni..” Airmata aku xtertanggung. Aku urut tangan nek tih. Aku cium dahi nenek. I know that I am not your best granddaughter,  but I will coming after you soon.

But, now I have to live with all her memories and it is totally breaks my heart. I don’t know how to keep living with all your love and memories. I force myself to believe that you are now gone. Nek Tih, rehat di sana sampai kita jumpa lagi satu hari nanti..-al-fatihah (arwah eyang, titie, arwah pakcik tua, arwah bapa kak rita, arwah nek tih)